Life moves on

So we finally heard from DCYF today about Foster-Care. They have our paperwork and the letters of recommendation from the friends and relatives. The next step is the classes and home study. Apparently they do these kind of together - using the combination to help determine the best situation for you and future children put in your care. I'm nervous about foster care - I'm not sure I would be able to give a child back to parents who were abusive or neglectful to a child - especially since the average stay for foster care is just over a year! But it just seems fitting that we are a family that is longing for a child and there are children that need loving homes...

We still have one frozen embryo (snowbaby) but I just don't know if I can deal with the emotional minefield that transfer would hold. We could go through the preparation and find that we lost this one in the thaw, and we would know until the morning of the transfer. To only transfer one lowers the odds that it will work and we've already been through this five times - and all with two embryos... Each time it gets harder to build up hope and each time the devistation is harder at the end. So we're keeping it frozen - it won't be destroyed! We'll transfer it and take the chances before we let that happen - but for now we need to put it away.

BFN - really

So it didn't work. I woke up at three in the morning on Saturday and couldn't sleep - so I tested - BFN. I came back to bed and couldn't sleep so I turned on the TV - and cried. Bart was wonderful - he stayed awake with me for most of the night even though I kept watching chick flicks and crying. I was devistated - even though I previously tested. There's a finality and foreverness about this time that hit me very hard. (I kept saying it was a vast conspiracy - I tried to keep the TV on light romance or anything that did not have babies on it - but yet I was watching a home improvement show and they announced it was for a "new mom" - it's been a running joke for a couple of days - ever since we were watching Orange County Chopper and they announced that one of the guys wives was pregnant with twins!) I've been finally able to turn my hopes to being a foster parent - we may look at domestic adoption too - either way we need the home study that we're waiting to have scheduled.

BFN - maybe

I tested this morning - it's early, but with all the symptoms I'd been having I thought for sure it'd be positive and then I wouldn't feel so foolish talking to the dentist and endodontist saying you need to treat me like I'm pregnant, because I could be, but I haven't tested yet.... It was BFN. I'm trying so hard to convince myself that it's just because it's early - but I don't believe it. My symptoms have all but disappeared - and I feel really good physically, but really bad emotionally. I'll test again over the weekend....

One Week after FET

So it's been a week and I'm feeling alot of cramping, pulling etc. My accu is pretty upbeat (she won't say I'm pregnant, but she say there are lots of good signs.) I'm getting excited the it might have worked. But at the same time, I'm scared. I'm scared that I've imagined all the cramping (I've imagined symptoms before) I only have one more frozen embie - it this doesn't work, we may be at the end of TTC. Of course we have the foster program... I keep praying that it's God's Will - I really don't have any control at this point boy I have to admit I hate that - I like to have control! But I don't - and I wait. I test on Sunday - 5 days and counting!!

FET!!!

So Wednesday 2/4/09 we transferred two of our frozen babies. (We lost one in the thaw.) We have one still frozen. Now I just wait - the waiting is the hardest part. I keep trying to give this whole process (and the babies) up to God and allow his will to be done. But at the same time I keep imagining I'm feeling things - even though I know it's probably my imagination. I have my beta test on the 16th. 9 days and counting.