Dec 26th

Ah - the day after Christmas. Traditionally a day of rest. The hustle and bustle of the season is done and there is nothing left to rush around for (unless your with my sister Kelly, in which case you have to get up early to shop, because you to waste deals like this would be a crime!)

Unfortunately I didn't get to relax or shop for deals today - I had to work (sucks being low many on the seniority totem pole!) Work was good though, got everything done that I need to do so I can enjoy the weeks vacation next week!

So we planned a ski trip mid-year... before we had decided to try IVF again. When things got scheduled we hoped I'd be pregnant for this trip, but it'd be a nice week to relax - that the hardest part about the week would be to come up ways to explain to our friends (who are coming with us on the trip) why I wasn't skiing or drinking! Of course that's not going to be necessary, but I also don't really want to ski! I just feel to old, to fat and just have no desire to ski. Fortunately Bart is a sweetheart and he's okay if I don't ski (although I know he'll bug me a bit about it when we're up there next week.)

RE visit

So after meeting with the RE, we decided to try for our FET in Feb (or after one month natural AF.) There's really no change to protocol. We are already doing the most we can do. So try again. My husband says we have a new hobby!

In the meantime, we're also looking into being foster parents. One way or another, eventually we'll have a child.

So now we plan for Christmas and our week long NH vacation with friends.

Work is so hard right now. Mostly because I'm so ready to not be there! The plan has always been for me to quit working once we have a baby. Since my first IVF over a year ago when I got a BFP, I've been ready to quit my job. Unfortunately I miscarried pretty quickly, but the desire to forge ahead in business has not returned. Each successive attempt to conceive felt like a double disappointment - of course the bigger dissappointment of not having a baby, but the added disappointment of having to stay in a job that has lost all excitement and challenge. We finally decided that late spring of 09, I'll be quitting my job, regardless of where we are TTC. My husband has been wanting me to work part-time for him for a while. I'm looking forward to a more flexible schedule and much less stress (but we will miss the money!) Of course that is the plan now - we'll have to see how we are financially in the Spring.

b/w - again! - about us

So I went for a blood test today to fiind out my beta numbers. No surprise awaits me though, I know it's a BFN. I've been home testing for 5 days. At this point though I've finally almost completely stopped crying. I'm not sure why this one hit me so hard - maybe because I was so much more hopeful this time than I've ever been...

Our history

April 2004 met DH - He was 38, I was 40, and we fell in love! He has two older children that live with their mother - relations are strained.

November 2004 - We're engaged!

October 2005 - Beautiful autum wedding - the wedding of my dreams, where I married my best friend and the love of my life!

November 2006 - DH had vasectomy reversed

2006 - 5 IUI's with OB/GYN

2007 - Moved on RE, and IVF and donor eggs

July 2007 - IVF - BFP, m/c @ 5 weeks

September 2007 - DSS (14) moves in with us

November 2007 - IVF - BFN

Feb 2008 - FET - BFN

December 2008 - BFN

In the meantime we've also been turned down by two different agencies for adoption and been told we're not eligible for surrogate (at least through my RE) because they can't find a medical reason why I can't carry.

I've had more tests, b/w and consultations then I've ever thought about. I've heard the term "advanced maternal age" until I'm ready to throw up. Yet my DH and I aren't old... at least we don't feel old - God knows we don't act old (or should I say mature!)



I never thought it would be so hard for two good people to start a family.