A family - for real

Wow - it's been so long since I've posted it's a wonder there's anyone still following...

My Pooh Bear had been taken in October and C had come to live with us. My last post was Mid-December 2009 and I was sharing how we had grown to love her sweet smile... and less than three weeks after that post - our life turned upside down and I've barely had time to breath. Pooh Bear came back. On Jan. 5th as I was wrapping up my day at work I got a call from my husband that Pooh Bear was there - at home. Here's the story. Pooh Bear's bio-mom got herself kicked out of the center she was staying at... since that supervised setting was the only way that she was allowed to have custody of her son, that meant her son (my son) had to go back into state care. Fortunately both bio-mom and the social worker requested he come to us. However, they didn't call us. They called someone who agreed to take care of him, but it wasn't us. So as my husband come home with C in her car seat, there was a state worker waiting at the door with Pooh Bear. We weren't technically licensed for two (although the state quickly took care of that - they are always in need of more homes) and I feel badly for the family that was expecting him - but our Pooh Bear was back! Bio-Mom was determined to do what was necessary to regain custody, but in the meantime we had to learn how to deal with two babies only 6 mths apart. It's been challenging to say the least. After 3 months of dealing with a porta-crib in the living room for Pooh, we finally wised up and realized that the "temporary" assignment was going to be long-term. We moved him in with C and they've shared a bedroom ever since. Our tiny two bedroom home has slowly become overrun with toddler toys and books. We've watched these two both learn to crawl, stand, walk and talk. We dealt with the heartbreak for both of them of having their bio-Mom's say they will allow us to adopt and then unexpectedly and without warning change their minds... I've cried at night, thinking about the children returning to their bio-moms. How do you explain to a toddler? We became a family, but we didn't have a legal safety net to ensure we could stay together - it could be taken away at any time. In a week C will have been with us two years... We loved and laughed, cried and danced with these children and I'm so happy to be able to announce they will soon be legally ours! The state stepped in and began the processing of termination of parental rights with both moms and both moms signed voluntary agreements to allow adoption rather than go through a trial of having their rights taken away. By choosing a voluntary method, they adoption becomes an open adoption and we agree to visits, photos and medical updates so the families aren't simply shut out of the children's lives. There's still paperwork being done to terminate father's rights but hopefully within a few weeks we'll have some adoption dates. I can't tell you the peace that's settled over me knowing their futures are settled. I looked at them this morning, giggling with each other and was overjoyed at knowing they will be siblings forever. So, the tiny two bedroom house isn't going to cut it. We are building a big new house and it should be done in a few weeks. Both kids will have their own rooms. I'm a little concerned about the first few nights, because they are so used to looking over and seeing the other in the crib across the room. I'm afraid they'll be scared to sleep in a room all by themselves - but we'll get through it. We've been through worst...

Moving Onward

So two days after Pooh Bear left, we got C. C was a seven month old beautiful big girl. She has dark hair and big grey/blue eyes. Combine her sweet looks with the constant smile or giggle that she has and you have a great joy! She's been with us now for six weeks - and in that time she's learned to crawl, is has learned to say Mama and Dada, is learning to wave bye-bye... oh, and totally stolen our hearts!!

And he's gone...

So we took Pooh Bear to his mom yesterday and now he's gone. This sorrow is so hard - particularly because I know it purely a selfish one. He's with his mother and it's the best for him - they will be supervised and she will have parenting classes. The rehab program she's in is up to a year long, so she'll have a lot of support as she learns to parent him and gets help for her own issues. So my pain is only because I miss him. Because I would love to see this little guy progress and grow. That the smiles that he was just starting to give us would be for someone else. We're moving on, we'll to contacting DCYF today to let them know we're open for another placement. We're trying to focus on the future and what God has in store for us, but in the quiet moments, when it's just me in this house, it's hard not to remember how busy it was with just one very small little boy...

Pooh Bear - joy and sorrow

So I've been meaning to blog the joys of Pooh's first days and weeks with us - but between multiple appointments and sleepless nights I just haven't made the time. Pooh Bear is beautiful. He's healthy and alert and has impressed all the different workers and clinicians that have had to evaluate him. He eats well (although he did have a poor suck for the first week.) He sleeps well at night - 2-3 hours at a time, but after a clean diaper and some food he immediately goes back to sleep... Doesn't sleep as well during the day, but we're managing. That's the joy. He's a good baby and such an incredible love! I truely feel like this is the role I was designed for. I was meant to be a mom...

But then comes the sorrow. Bio-mom is working to reunite. This is her right and I'm happy for her and Pooh Bear, but this is a hard cross for me to bear. She has checked herself into a rehab center where, in a fairly short period of time, she'll earn her right to have him with her... Which means he won't be able to be here with me. He's only been here for 10 days - but he's already stolen my heart and I can't imagine ever not missing him when he leaves...

Announcement!

We have a foster care placement! I'm so stinking excited! We will have a baby boy on Monday. Little Pooh Bear was born on Wednesday and was 7 lbs. He will be ready to be released from the hospital on Monday. We were suppose to get a call from the social worker to make arrangements, but that didn't happen... so I'll be calling Monday morning to see what I can find out about times etc. Baby is healthy. That's all I know at this time...

Praise God!!!

Fostering

So we have completed all the forms, the training, the tests and the home studies and we should be licensed! We had asked not to get a placement until August to accomodate a pre-planned vacation. So within a week or so (we hope) we will be anticipating each phone call hoping it will be the announcement of our baby! We've been preparing the nursery (used to be the office - which we've relegated to the basement!) This weekend we'll repaint one wall - we're adding navy strips to a yellow wall. It's getting exciting!!

Plans

So I haven't updated in a while - in fact I was very surprised at how long it's been.

When I last posted I had been contact by two wonderful women, one who offered to share her cycle with me so I'd have donor eggs and one that offered to be a surrogate. After careful consideration we've decided not to accept the kind offer of the surrogate. We spent weeks e-mailing, but she had had three c-sections and I was worried about her health with the next pregnancy - it's one thing to carry you own baby and accept the risks, but it's something else to take on those risks while carrying someone else's baby. We are still planning to do a shared cycle with my friend and have an phone consultation next week with her doctor. So we will have embryos and just need to find a surrogate to carry our baby. God is so good. A couple weeks ago a friend volunteered to by our surrogate! We have a long ways to go and we have agreed that both parties will think about it and when we have the finances to continue, we'll discuss things.

On another front, we've begun our foster-care classes. I'm very excited to begin this process, but nervous too. But both Bart and I feel that this is God's will for us.

So things are moving!

JUST 2 THINGS





Two names you go by


1. Teri


2. Therese





Two things you're wearing now:


1. Jeans


2. Brown sweather





Two things you would want in a relationship:


1. Honesty


2. Humor





Two of your favorite things to do:


1. Spend time with my family and friends


2. Garden





Two things you want very badly at the moment:


1. To be have a baby


2. To be able to come up with the money for the shared risk program





Two things you did yesterday:


1. Slept


2. Watched Twilight





Two things you ate yesterday:


1. Turkey Salad Sandwich


2. Peanut M&M's





Two people you last talked to:


1. My Husband


2. My Step-son





Two things you're doing tomorrow:


1. Making Turkey Soup


2. Going to work





Two favorite holidays:


1. Thanksgiving


2. Christmas





Two favorite beverages:


1. Diet Coke


2. Wine





Two people no longer alive that you'd like to talk to:


1. My mother


2. My father





Two people you are tagging to fill this out:


1. Daniela


2. Kristen

Some changes

So I haven't blogged about it, but it seems that God has been working ... in the same week I was contacted by two different women on two different boards, both with incredible offers to help us in our search for a family. One woman wanted to be a surrogate for us and another wanted to "share" a cycle - effectively becoming egg donor. After much prayer and thought we turned down the surrogate (thank you L - you're wonderful) unfortunately she had already had three c-sections - I just felt that health wise there were too many concerns. But we have accepted the wonderful offer from K to be share her cycle. She's a wonderful woman and I'm thrilled that she'd share her eggs with us. We plan to keep the embryos frozen until we can afford and arrange a surrogate (not too long - maybe six-nine months depending on the economy.) We still have many obstacles, but we have a new plan. (It changes often huh!! Just trying to keep up at this point!) We're still pursuing foster care - the classes have been scheduled and will begin April 28th. If we get a placement, we'll love the child for as long as God allows them to stay in our care - if that's forever - then we'd be forever blessed. But we'll still pursue the surrogacy as well. That way if forever is only a year, hopefully we'll have another blessing on the way to help ease the pain. That's the plan for now - stay tuned - you never know what God has in store!

Impatient Control Freak

Hi, my name is Teri and I'm a control freak

Since admitting it is half the battle, I'll finally admit it. I'm impatient, I'm a control-freak and I'm having a very difficult time waiting for the slow hand of God. After the years of spending money and time trying to concieve, we're planning to adopt, but we have to wait. The foster system requires nine-weeks of classes and they have yet to be scheduled. We're told they will "probably" be scheduled in April - but we haven't heard anything. It's killing me! Since I need to do something, I spend my time looking at photos of children that are waiting to be adopted, adoption websites, blogs of parents who have fostered or adopted... but most of it is not helping (although the blogs do.) It kills me that so much comes down to money. If we had tons of money we could hire a surrogate and have a lot of control over the situation (not all - but a lot). If we had less money - but still quite a bit - we could do domestic adoption and have some control (not much, but some.) But because we spent our money TTC, we need to wait for the foster system and we have no control... Hopefully our finances will be recouped shortly - but by then, we'll have completed our homestudy with the state. After a certain period of time (we think six months, we'll learn more when we attend classes) the homestudy becomes "ours" so we can take it to a private adoption agency. So the plan is that we'll pursue the foster-care system and see if this is God's plan. If by the time the homestudy becomes free we have not had a placement from DCYF, then we'll pursue the adoption through an agency or surrogacy. But in the meantime I have to continue to learn the lessons God has apparently been trying to teach me througout my adult-life. That I need to trust Him and wait on Him and that is all I need to be doing...

Life moves on

So we finally heard from DCYF today about Foster-Care. They have our paperwork and the letters of recommendation from the friends and relatives. The next step is the classes and home study. Apparently they do these kind of together - using the combination to help determine the best situation for you and future children put in your care. I'm nervous about foster care - I'm not sure I would be able to give a child back to parents who were abusive or neglectful to a child - especially since the average stay for foster care is just over a year! But it just seems fitting that we are a family that is longing for a child and there are children that need loving homes...

We still have one frozen embryo (snowbaby) but I just don't know if I can deal with the emotional minefield that transfer would hold. We could go through the preparation and find that we lost this one in the thaw, and we would know until the morning of the transfer. To only transfer one lowers the odds that it will work and we've already been through this five times - and all with two embryos... Each time it gets harder to build up hope and each time the devistation is harder at the end. So we're keeping it frozen - it won't be destroyed! We'll transfer it and take the chances before we let that happen - but for now we need to put it away.

BFN - really

So it didn't work. I woke up at three in the morning on Saturday and couldn't sleep - so I tested - BFN. I came back to bed and couldn't sleep so I turned on the TV - and cried. Bart was wonderful - he stayed awake with me for most of the night even though I kept watching chick flicks and crying. I was devistated - even though I previously tested. There's a finality and foreverness about this time that hit me very hard. (I kept saying it was a vast conspiracy - I tried to keep the TV on light romance or anything that did not have babies on it - but yet I was watching a home improvement show and they announced it was for a "new mom" - it's been a running joke for a couple of days - ever since we were watching Orange County Chopper and they announced that one of the guys wives was pregnant with twins!) I've been finally able to turn my hopes to being a foster parent - we may look at domestic adoption too - either way we need the home study that we're waiting to have scheduled.

BFN - maybe

I tested this morning - it's early, but with all the symptoms I'd been having I thought for sure it'd be positive and then I wouldn't feel so foolish talking to the dentist and endodontist saying you need to treat me like I'm pregnant, because I could be, but I haven't tested yet.... It was BFN. I'm trying so hard to convince myself that it's just because it's early - but I don't believe it. My symptoms have all but disappeared - and I feel really good physically, but really bad emotionally. I'll test again over the weekend....

One Week after FET

So it's been a week and I'm feeling alot of cramping, pulling etc. My accu is pretty upbeat (she won't say I'm pregnant, but she say there are lots of good signs.) I'm getting excited the it might have worked. But at the same time, I'm scared. I'm scared that I've imagined all the cramping (I've imagined symptoms before) I only have one more frozen embie - it this doesn't work, we may be at the end of TTC. Of course we have the foster program... I keep praying that it's God's Will - I really don't have any control at this point boy I have to admit I hate that - I like to have control! But I don't - and I wait. I test on Sunday - 5 days and counting!!

FET!!!

So Wednesday 2/4/09 we transferred two of our frozen babies. (We lost one in the thaw.) We have one still frozen. Now I just wait - the waiting is the hardest part. I keep trying to give this whole process (and the babies) up to God and allow his will to be done. But at the same time I keep imagining I'm feeling things - even though I know it's probably my imagination. I have my beta test on the 16th. 9 days and counting.

On your mark....

AF showed up right one time - so here we gooooo!!! I started estrace on Monday Jan 20th. I go for an u/s to test lining on January 30th. I'm getting a little more excited and hopeful. After my last BFN I discussed other strategies with my accu. We identified two options, I could try chinese herbs during the transfer or perhaps baby asprin. I decided to see how my AF was and kind of let my body decide. TMI warning... AF that time was very clotty - which told me that I should try the baby asprin. I started taking baby asprin after my last AF and I think it's working. This time there was almost no clotting!!

Ski Trip

Back two weeks and I'm finally getting around to talking about the ski trip. Lots of fun, lots of time with friends and so good to be home when it's all done. I'll post some picture when my friends share their photos (we didn't take any.) We played lots of Wii - and rigged a projector so that we could watch movies projected on the wall (talk about big screen!) One very cold night we went tubing. Another day we took the gondola to the top of the mountain to see the view for lunch. But now I'm back at work... As for TTC, we're just waiting to schedule the FET. I have to admit I'm not very optimistic about this round, after all I've done this four time previously, but I'm doing all that I can.

Dec 26th

Ah - the day after Christmas. Traditionally a day of rest. The hustle and bustle of the season is done and there is nothing left to rush around for (unless your with my sister Kelly, in which case you have to get up early to shop, because you to waste deals like this would be a crime!)

Unfortunately I didn't get to relax or shop for deals today - I had to work (sucks being low many on the seniority totem pole!) Work was good though, got everything done that I need to do so I can enjoy the weeks vacation next week!

So we planned a ski trip mid-year... before we had decided to try IVF again. When things got scheduled we hoped I'd be pregnant for this trip, but it'd be a nice week to relax - that the hardest part about the week would be to come up ways to explain to our friends (who are coming with us on the trip) why I wasn't skiing or drinking! Of course that's not going to be necessary, but I also don't really want to ski! I just feel to old, to fat and just have no desire to ski. Fortunately Bart is a sweetheart and he's okay if I don't ski (although I know he'll bug me a bit about it when we're up there next week.)

RE visit

So after meeting with the RE, we decided to try for our FET in Feb (or after one month natural AF.) There's really no change to protocol. We are already doing the most we can do. So try again. My husband says we have a new hobby!

In the meantime, we're also looking into being foster parents. One way or another, eventually we'll have a child.

So now we plan for Christmas and our week long NH vacation with friends.

Work is so hard right now. Mostly because I'm so ready to not be there! The plan has always been for me to quit working once we have a baby. Since my first IVF over a year ago when I got a BFP, I've been ready to quit my job. Unfortunately I miscarried pretty quickly, but the desire to forge ahead in business has not returned. Each successive attempt to conceive felt like a double disappointment - of course the bigger dissappointment of not having a baby, but the added disappointment of having to stay in a job that has lost all excitement and challenge. We finally decided that late spring of 09, I'll be quitting my job, regardless of where we are TTC. My husband has been wanting me to work part-time for him for a while. I'm looking forward to a more flexible schedule and much less stress (but we will miss the money!) Of course that is the plan now - we'll have to see how we are financially in the Spring.

b/w - again! - about us

So I went for a blood test today to fiind out my beta numbers. No surprise awaits me though, I know it's a BFN. I've been home testing for 5 days. At this point though I've finally almost completely stopped crying. I'm not sure why this one hit me so hard - maybe because I was so much more hopeful this time than I've ever been...

Our history

April 2004 met DH - He was 38, I was 40, and we fell in love! He has two older children that live with their mother - relations are strained.

November 2004 - We're engaged!

October 2005 - Beautiful autum wedding - the wedding of my dreams, where I married my best friend and the love of my life!

November 2006 - DH had vasectomy reversed

2006 - 5 IUI's with OB/GYN

2007 - Moved on RE, and IVF and donor eggs

July 2007 - IVF - BFP, m/c @ 5 weeks

September 2007 - DSS (14) moves in with us

November 2007 - IVF - BFN

Feb 2008 - FET - BFN

December 2008 - BFN

In the meantime we've also been turned down by two different agencies for adoption and been told we're not eligible for surrogate (at least through my RE) because they can't find a medical reason why I can't carry.

I've had more tests, b/w and consultations then I've ever thought about. I've heard the term "advanced maternal age" until I'm ready to throw up. Yet my DH and I aren't old... at least we don't feel old - God knows we don't act old (or should I say mature!)



I never thought it would be so hard for two good people to start a family.